I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Easy enough.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*