My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
This could be us… but you playing
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)