“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me