Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Happy Caturday!
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
mom had nothing to worry about
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.