There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.