I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?