Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I already tried new things thanks.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church