[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
You Might Also Like
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!