My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?