Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain