“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
You Might Also Like
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Dietest Coke
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!