“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.