Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.