With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*pronounces patio like ratio
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.