I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.