After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen