Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.