ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Herpes is trending, good job people
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen