By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.