Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
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November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.