If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf