[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
no
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.