only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Tough love is true love
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.