[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
(True)
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.