I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
the clam before the storm
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…