Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.