*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.