Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”