chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*limbos under the caution tape
Brother?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
fixed it
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
#FunnyLife Insects
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother