Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Fiction has to make sense.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?