You Might Also Like
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Need this in my life lol
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?