Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.