Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.