America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Probably my best painting.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Des Moines Police having a normal one
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.