When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison