Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
jesus, what did this guy do
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
This probably isn’t good
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.