We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
How to properly lift a body
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
*praying for world peace*
God:
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.