My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats