*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Spell check is for lasers.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.