Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent