After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
You Might Also Like
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Oh we’ve met.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis