I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.