Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
CRYING
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running