Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked