5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
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Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Them: Just act casual
Me:
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”