her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?