my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
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local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?