I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
socratic questions
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Yup.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup