Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
finally
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.