Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
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me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
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nurse:
me: wait for what
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition